I Need an Escape

A couple of months ago, I promised to post more often. I broke that promise. And I now regret it. I just realized that this blog is my outlet. My escape. And I need one. There are so many things going on that I can't handle it. I would break down crying when I over think something too much. My cat died and I would always cry just thinking about him. I've gotten into more fights with my best friend. Grades are weighing me down. When something happy and good comes along, something would come and make me seem as if I was the bad guy... I can't go on... I'm having so many problems yet I can't get it out... My trust has been recently broken that it makes me feel as if nobody can keep their mouth shut... My life has gotten so bad I'm having suicidal thoughts! Yet I don't tell anybody. I want to run away. To get ayway from everything but I know I don't have the guts... I want an escape and my escape isn't here. He's 2 states away from me with a 2 hour difference. Then, I'm pissed off at my "best friend" 'cause she couldn't keep her mouth shut. I can't tell anybody in my family since it'll spread like a wildfire and they're part of the problem. Plus, they interrupt and judge every wrong thing as if I'm the bad guy and makes me feel worse. I'm crying right now as I type this... I have 2 blades in my room that I could easily end it but I just can't... I want to live and have a love and children... But then, I have so many self esteem and self image problems that the only chance I have are guys who creep me out. No offence guys but I read and that gets my bar really high. Sorry to sound like a bitch but I'm sorry. It's nice to know guys like me but the guys who like me are the types of guys who rely on my to get them beer and money and food. Where I have to do all the work while they stain the couch. This blog is like my diary. It IS my diary. And I need it to survive. Cross my fingers, I will be beginning a diary on everything that happens to me when I go into my next grade.